Looking at the picture of the most innocent and most beautiful life I’ve ever seen next to my children… is my grandson, CoiCoi.  He’s so amazingly magnetic!  So beautiful..    He’s just lying down and asleep..   innocently unaware that  on his very first breath, he  faced his first  battle for life.  Unaware of the commotions inside the delivery room that greeted his coming,  he silently fought all odds.. the risks and dangers that threatened his life… and his mom’s.   Indeed  so young as less than 1 hour old,  he already had displayed his immense sense of courage and bravery and victoriously…survived!   I know it is all but part of God’s plan,  but I will also give credit to my grandson the life that he helped endure.  He’s a born survivor.  And I know, after this… no great dangers and trials will ever stop him to survive.  As God has given him this grace of strength from the moment he received life, then God will always be with him in every venture of his existence.

 Little CoiCoi,  just looking at your face sweetheart, I can’t just stop adoring you.  You’re the precious gift of my own precious one, your mom.   I just can't wait for the day that i will take you in my arms.  Though you can't hear me... nor see me yet... but your guardian angel will help you feel my love for you... Distance would never be a barrier for us...... I'm your granny Nanay, who will love you...and will always will!

Oh boy!  I really mess up!   Yes. I really got a big bang on my brain tonight.  And it’s all my fault.  Of all the ‘why’s…??? ’  this is the huge one!  I should have listened to my senses!  Oh  holy cat…!    Know what I did?  I let that great heroic cooperation rule my brain!   And how it works! Ironic isn’t it?  I  selflessly did cooperate and I ended up washing out my confidence and left me feeling so ..cold..?

It was our Filipino X-mas party last night and did a number.  It’s not really a dance number but it requires steppings.   I did not volunteer of course.  It was an accident.  A week before that, we had our practice for the Tagalog choir in our house. From there, it was decided that we will perform in the X-mas party after that mass.  Not everybody attended that choir  practice so  my name echoed  as a  ‘no choice’ participant and  was listed in their brain register.  I thought it would be right  to cooperate since not only that  me and my husband  are the household leader which we must always say  ‘Yes Lord’.. but also, it was quite a time that I’ve been away and had not attended any of the CFC’s activities.   There and then we did the steppings  of which for the first time since my high-school I will be doing a  brave act  of doing it in front of people (…ohh  if only in front of my pets..). 

Then that day came…  I thought everything will be fine.  But it didn’t.  Plus the mere fact of knowing that they had their practice the day before made me feel more shattered and uncertain-  tho not their fault guys.  They sent text message to my husband, only it was not relayed to me.— … as I was saying… and that moment came… yes mama mia!  my anxiousness and lack of confidence showed off more than anything else on the actual presentation  I lost my grace in dancing  I know my steps did ok because I am also facing the direction as they did, but…. Just the same… and I know … am not fit to face people in that manner… again!

Lord, I know you’re smiling at me on how I feel.  But I blew off that ‘freedom of choice’ you’ve given me.  I chose cooperation.. and left me feel uncomfortable.    Just take it away  Lord ok?  I know that the people’s eyes were not glued at me… but ..ooooh  just take it out Lord please….

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Hi Guys!!!  Nice to be back.  And what a comeback message I got, right?  It’s nice you’re there coz I had again this chance of opening up straight from my heart.   

Though I always make a peep on my blog every now and then… still I can’t  let my fingers work on the keyboard to drop an entry… until today.

 I had a brief chat with my hubby and learned that TIW-TIW is DEAD!  It didn’t made me scream  in grief, but it surely shattered my heart to pieces.  In fact, I am reading my exact entry about ‘her life’ when  with a single click… the news flashed on my screen.  I was shocked…and felt a cold cringe in my body after the news reached my heart.    

… all the while, I thought she would be there waiting for me.

 ..all the while… I thought I would laugh at her on our next meeting seeing how much she had grown during my absence.  

                               Now I know…. I was wrong.

Her so short  life of  3 months and 9 days  surely left a special  void in my heart… and in my husband’s.  She’s already been a part of our lives,  comfortably sharing each day together.  I might not be there with her  since I left for vacation , but my husband never ceased to update me about her and Memeng in our constant communications.

From the time she was born, April 27, 2007   up to  her death,  August 5, 2007, she never had known the fact that  we’re of different species.  All she knew… I was her mom!

I can’t go without fulfilling my long-overdue promise.  The updated life of…

                                      Tiw-tiw!

 It’s been quite a time that I promised to show the secret identity of  that ‘ chick hatched in my kitchen’.  (See Archive dtd Apr 27, 2007)  Now, I will unravel you her  true self  and  who her yaya was, ..her tormentor… and her confidante..   From the day she was ‘born’,  she still don’t know her real identity.  Up to this moment… she thought I was her mother! ..and she’s not a chicken!  Maybe when she’s matured enough....well, we too will reveal to her who she really is.   For the meantime, here's  her story…

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This is when my life begun..  Underneath this tray is where I was born.  And these are my brothers and sisters…who unfortunately being refused to see the world… and thrown  to the pillar of fires… and later eaten by monsters who looks just like my mum and dad..hu..hu..hu.. 

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This is my YAYA…my nanny… she won’t leave me for a second.  Her eyes are glued at me allllllllll  the time.  Mom is much more better in baby sitting me!  Often, mom would put me in front of the computer  with the study lamp on to keep me warm, while she blogs. Opps! Am i suppose to say that? Sometimes I’m tired under the lamp.. I just hopped to the keyboard and send cryptic messages to the monitor. Hahahaha..

Sometimes, I just stay on bed, and together take a nap with mom and that ..strict yaya!

This is my TORMENTOR…  same face,  but different identity!.   She won’t let me play by myself.  ‘coz she wants me to be her …toy!!!   Everytime I’m standing still, she would come past me and suddenly will sideswift me with a quick punch!  That would make my head move like a pendulum… lifting it up, left and right it goes.   Whoaaaah… ‘where’s mom?    so, I have to run to my mom, who will always come to my rescue. 

She would put me gently on her palm and  scold my antagonist.  Wait  when I grow up.. I promise you… you will pay… whoaahh!

And… this is my CONFIDANTE.  Hmmm.. same face huh?  Yah.. but  in a supreme role.  Though we have some trouble sometimes in communication… but  I am glad that she always listen to my secrets. 

 Ain’t that great?  She’s a real good listener and her head is full of advices.  I just hope she won’t gossip all my secrets  to anyone.  How my Ate Micmic loved to see us like this..  so loving…

 My gush…! Look!    

My yaya… my tormentor.. my confidante…  She’s  doing  exercise and aerobics ?!.  Got yah!  She never told me her secret how to stay trim!  Huh! Now I know.  hahahha…

Of course we have to grow up.   This is me now.                          

And my nanny?… she  became my friend.   I’m  heavier now that she can no longer push me aside.  Mom had transferred my pad at the back of the house to have a bigger space.  But,  she always see to it that I have a continued bonding with my  nanny, Memeng.  She would always carry me out from the back yard to the front where me and Meng will have a simple fellowship together.   

Oftentimes, I have my dinner in the garden, while mom waters the plants. Or, when mom will serve my meal at the back, Meng will tag along and stays there for a while.  Though sometimes mom have to force her inside because… stubborn as she is,  she just stay in my place  regardless of how many times mom calls her to get inside.  I wonder sometimes if she’s deaf ?   Well, yes..  she still do sometimes that little trick of hers .. that quick punching.. but, .. ha! I’m a grown up now and she can’t scare me anymore…hahaha. 

So far, this is my life here.  So contented with the love and care that my mom is giving me.  I will be missing her  so much while she’s away… but I always count the days till she comes back.  For sure, she will never guess how big I’ll turn out to be.  Meng and I will always wait for her return…. And we hope and pray that it will be soon ‘coz it  will never be the same without her….   Bye Mom!  enjoy your vacation  and  always remember… we’re here… waiting!    Meng and I  love you!!!

                                        ---  END ---

                                         ( for now..)

Last Friday  was one of the most significant day of my son’s life.  It was James’ Confirmation!  Parents like us can never been so proud seeing their son receiving this second sacrament of our faith.  My brother stood as his Godfather, while our role was just to stand behind our son and be witnesses.   It was solemnized by H.E. Rev. Bishop Paul Hinder, who usually  comes once a year in this part of the Gulf.

                                                            I was in a very good mood to do some cleaning in our kitchen yesterday.  Though this intense heat is irritating and giving me hard time to suppress my sweats,  it didn’t hinder me to  wiped clean all those electric device I have in that domain.  Taking a second glance at them, I sigh approvingly and  singing... turned my attention to my pots and pans, which seems to be contented in their temporary spot.  Well, now it’s time for you to be hauled up high where you belong and wait for the occasion where you  again will  act as heroes.  As I stretched my hand upwards, the cover fell with its edge headed straight on my big toe!  Arraayyyy!!!! My breathe stopped!.. only to give out a long supressed moan of pain…. Like a child I limped  to our bedroom for my husband…still moaning in pain --… yah… comfort or sympathy maybe coz there’s nothing to be pulled up from the damaged area.—  my eldest son tagging along with me and when I was seated at the edge of the bed,  reached his hand on my lower leg where i held in tight grip.  He tried to assist my hand to loosen my grip so he can check.  But it's not there...' it’s my big toe!  Confused, he laughingly asked me why then am I holding tight my leg?   Heavens!   i wanted to answer him... Of course I have to hold somewhere to supress the pain! or... would i rather hold and add pain on my toe? , but words were so difficult to mumble .. yet, tears  found so easy to flow down with those prolonggg  aruuuuuy..!   My husband also laughed as he asked  for alcohol and massage my toe with it.  This time, even in pain.. i can’t help but stop crying in the middle and question him  how on earth can alcohol  help?  i don't have any open wound?  Instead, I asked for ice! Is it not the right thing?  I thought so…  When the pain subsided and I reviewed  the experience we just had… a simple awareness came to my senses.  If we had  handled this simple incident confusingly…how much more if a real crisis comes?      

   That's right guys... you ought to be frightened!            

 It’s quite a few days now that I can’t  go through with bravenet every morning starting around 10:00am.  Is it for the traffic?  I guess so... It makes me crazy sometimes when  I have to do some editing and can’t go back to it.  Much more… post my entries!

This dish has been haunting me for more than a decade and yet… and in spite of how may Indian friends i've asked how to do it,  i don’t have the guts to cook it.   Maybe because of too much spices that are involved to grind this and grind that… and the worst.. I don’t  even know most of the spices!!   And moreso also, the cooking of the rice takes a ritual.  You have to soak it first for a period of time, then drain it for at least 1 hour!   So, over the period I’m drolling for this dish,  we just ran to our fave Indian resto and have their variety of either chicken, mutton  or fish.  It was lately this past year that I was encouraged by a friend, who cooked it deliciously with beef.  It was so tasty that I asked her how.  And so she said do this and this, … then put water on the rice.. Then I cut off and asked, ‘how much water?.. she said.. ‘just enough.  I just estimated it.’   Toinks!  That’s it. that’s the crucial part and she can’t give me the exact amount of water. how can  a greenhorn  estimate?    Then… one day, while strolling leisurely  for our grocery… I took time in the Indian section and feast my eyes on  their shelves.  I picked one packet of masala and read it.  My! All those dreadful spices are all in there. Ground! All I have to do is add ginger, garlic and  onions.  I can make this!  So that packet  came home with us along with one packet of basmati rice.  And the next day.. I tried for chicken masala.  While on the pot.. I rushed to the computer and searched how to cook the basmati rice. And I saw this  no-soak-drain style. I printed it and went back to the kitchen and prepared it.   Lunch time?   Hmm… the household critics loved it.  in fact my son said, better than in that resto.  This time it chicken masala  separated from the rice. So.. from there…  -- yah.. step-by- step my friend --  I  tried it with mutton.   Deliciosa pa rin in their taste buds!   So… a little  bit elevated and confident… my mind is now set for that  long-time-delayed-recipe…Biryani!   And olalah!!!  I made it one day.  Yesterday’s was actually my second attempt.  The rituals are so worth it guys.  I even invited my brother to  have his lunch with us just to get his reaction.  From him, a very good cook as he was,  his excitement  while eating it is so confirming, and so with his Nepalese driver.  It’s his first too to eat beef biryani and repeatedly said  it’s delicious.   These are  the magic boxes that helped  me finally conquer  this simple complicated dish!  Again..… what took me so longggg??? 

For most of us, a loan can be so convenient  and  a great facilitator to our ultimate projects. It is a fact that it would take a great struggle for many of us to save cash for big plans in the future.  It would be a bliss though if we could finance our projects  from our own savings to get rid of  the added interest from loans, but .. cash can slip through  easily  from our hands or even from the safe vault of our bank.  There will always be that circumstance that we will ‘be forced’ to pay or withdraw our projected amount for any ‘crucial’ circumstance that befalls to our love ones  like medications, hospitalization... or our  personal agenda.  Some because a friend had convinced them for  a lucrative business venture, still some just ‘borrowed’ their savings  for some shorties in their  allocated budgets.  There will be more reasons and  reasons… and before we knew it,  our savings had depleted and  our supposed project  still remains as an elusive dream. Loan play conveniently in this aspect. Provided that the loan was spent to its purpose, the added interest will be looked down as  a  tip to the bank for making your dream materialized at the shortest  time.

It is so sad though that some just take loans to finance  their superficial   desires of their conceited  prides.  Amassing things that they can do without..  These are people who usually use this facility to finance their ego. They just can’t live below with someone whom they  believed to be ‘sub-standard,’ and yet living in comfort, and ... reach out to elevate themselves to compete with those above them.  This competition of  pride that push a man to be greedy  makes a loan a monster.  They will only realize that continued pursuit of a life  beyond their means will bury them dead. 

Loans indeed can  be a friend,  or  ...  your worst nightmare.  One just have to make a choice  to live with the things he wants,   or… with the things he needs..

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very compassionate and quite sensitive. While you can be moody, you always crave for understanding. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room to enjoy and take chances. Your  feet may be on the ground, but your head is full of ideals. You believe that people see you for what i am and what i can do.  'coz deep down, you know that's just being true.. Your near future is a peaceful place, relaxing in a hammock under a fruit tree, and  taking care of my beautiful and colorful garden.   Those are  what you want. And it's something you've been saving for a while now. For you, love is living together till death do us part. You couldn't fall in love with someone other than my husband.

                                              Emm, thanks sa tag....

Two days more and this school year will be history!!   My son will be having his last exam tomorrow… and I say… halleluyah!!    This is not the final sigh  though… as much as his uniforms will soon be off the hook…our thoughts   will stay on the look out for his final grades!   Everyday after exam I anxiously asked him.. ‘how is it?’  Most of the time… the reply is ‘it’s easy!’  Then I smile and say.. ‘Be it, Lord.Thanks’   When he replies… ‘it’s quite difficult’.. I look up and silently say.. ‘Lord, please don’t! … 

My husband  never thought that his goodbye kiss would  turn out into a havoc.  I was sleeping soundly  and I  felt his kiss on my cheeks and suddenly I shouted at him and angrily buried my head on the pillow.  Puzzled and taken a back I heard him asked me what came up to me? again,only to be answered with an angry shout!  He left for work thinking back what have he done before he kissed me?   Look guys! Tsk! Tsk!... actually nothing!   His kiss was just untimely when I had a bad dream…. And in my trance… his actual kiss appears to be from the  supposed  bad boy – which is also him! -- making amends and I was the usual  victim  who wants to give him a lesson!    Amigas! I have no idea that i'm in two dimensions!!!   Goodness!   I seemed to realized it later after I shouted at him the second time…but ..wasn’t sure which world I am.. and..again.. drift off.  So, just imagine  how surprised he was seeing me very much normal when he came home for lunch! with that dreadful state  he left me...maybe half expecting  if there's any lunch at all!   In fact, I didn’t remember anything also when I fnally woke up.  I was just reminded when he asked me what happened to me this morning.  Then I remember.. I said.. I was dreaming.!!  Yah! I made him crazy that morning as he just can’t get it right what he did before he kissed me.   hahaha..